Sunday, August 26, 2012

Lessons and Training

So, it has been a while since I have updated this thing and all of you. I've been sorting things out, a lot of things, and trying to work and do acting stuff at the same time. This summer has been a roller coaster but a good one. One for the record books.

As you all know I've been spending the past two months figuring out my life. I want to back track a little before I tell you what has been happening, because I've begun to understand where this started, well where the roller coaster ride began. But first, here's a little eye candy.

There. That's a bit better. Sorry. I haven't posted anything like that in a while. Those are all from my Tumblr of the same name, if you were wondering. I'm a lot more... prolific on there, shall we say, and a lot dirtier. Yeah, it's fun. Sorta like my brain on the internet. Oh and the third one from the top, I met him this summer, yeah.

Anyhow. This whole change/roller coaster ride really stems from this gig I had, well sort of had, this summer and the one, two, three punch I lived.

You see I was supposed to do a show this summer up north in Muskoka. It was a musical and a fun one. I posted about it here. Well about a month before I was supposed to move up there the gig fell through. The company told me they didn't have enough money for a full season so they shortened it from nine weeks to six and cut the big show; mine. Shitty. Really shitty. I was asked if I wanted to stay in the company, do the kid's show and be a tech on the other two they had scheduled. I politely declined and decided to stay in the city. Hit number one.
But here's the thing. I had to ask work, or former work now, to keep me on while I had told them I was going to leave for over two months. They had hired people to replace me by then and I was NOT looking forward to serving there through the summer months, the most brutal by far. I was a server again, not an actor looking forward to a new gig. Reality and depression set in. I hated work even more and cared less about what they thought. Hence them asking me to resign. Luckily they still loved me as a person and were kind enough to lay me off instead. Hit number two.
This is where it gets wonky. I had two weeks off before I went on vacation. I was really looking forward to going home. Home where everything is so much simpler; where I can live in comfort with my folks and have access to a car whenever I want; where I don't have to worry about food or bills or doing laundry (terrible I know, but I did do most of it myself anyway); where I have a hot guy who seems to be interested in me; where I have old friends and lots of family who love me; and where the weather isn't so brutal. I threw myself into the vacation and this guy not looking back and just praying, knowing that everything would work out. Well... the vacation part was fantastic, had a great time seeing my family and catching up with old friends. I don't think I've had better conversations with more people than I did those ten days. What didn't work out was the guy, as I have mentioned. He's a friend, and perhaps a good one, but nothing more. It was heart wrenching. Hit number three.

No gig, no job, no guy. I was fucked up. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going or what was up from down anymore. I was lost. I honestly still am, sometimes more than a little. I'm still questioning the point of all the struggle and scramble. For very little reward... these days. But I have break-throughs in acting class and enormous fulfilling moments in voice and speech class. I feel grounded and left of centre at the same time. My emotional river is much more present these days. And I sit in it sometimes and think about that guy I liked back home and think about my life and this career I've chosen and wonder where I am going on this crazy path and if I'll ever feel secure. And I know that my problems are fairly small when compared with others struggles'. I have nothing to complain about when it comes down to brass tacks. Nothing at all. And I am very grateful for what I have. Very. But let me put it this way; One can only struggle for so long while those around them flourish before they wonder when they will get a chance and/or what's wrong with them and/or why they're on this merry-go-round to begin with. And mixed in with the big right hook, left hook and upper cut I also found out I have a muscular problem with my speaking and singing voice which needs therapy and rehabilitation, I landed two commercials, one national and one US regional, I cracked a tooth and found out I need a root canal and crown, and throughout the summer I've managed to lose about 15 pounds and become the lightest and fittest I've ever been in my adult life. Like I said, roller coaster.

But out of the hot gooey, emotional mess that is my life right now, I've made decisions that I am happy with. I'm getting out of serving and customer service. I decided that when I left former work. No more of that mess. But I knew I needed to find something else to keep me afloat. Something I will enjoy and that's flexible but something I can control and mold and shape. As much as I wanted to leap into acting, there was nothing to leap to and no money to be found with said leap. And as much as I would love to live without money, it helps you with things like food and bills and laundry and security.

This has gotten long, here's a little more love to give you a break.


Ahh, better.

So, I'm not sure how to do this without it sounding like an announcement or cheesy, but I'm becoming a fitness professional; A Personal Trainer. Yeah, I know, but I like it. I really like it. I like that it's helping people, teaching them and teaching me, how to live a healthier, happier life. I like that it's flexible and I'm the one who holds the schedule. And I love exercise. I mean, I spent the past four days learning about exercise, and I LOVED it. We played with just a few awesome crazy pieces of equipment (or toys) to train people with today, on the last day of my course, and I FUCKING LOVED IT. I can't wait to do more! I could go on and on but I'll save it for a later post.

For the first time in about three months I feel okay. Not great. But okay. It's going to be a bit rocky for the next little while, but I'll be okay.

The ride continues...


Tamayn Irraniah said...

It's great that you're figuring out what you want to do. Reconstruction is one of the hardest things to do. Your customer service experience will definitely help you with your clients, especially patience, because there will be days when I'm sure they will test your limits.

Congratulations on the ad work too. It's hard enough to find something in acting. Do you think you'll keep doing some ad work at least part time?

Also, how did you meet Paul Wagner, so that I may do the same thing? He's incredible!

Sexy Beast said...

I met Paul Wagner at Pride this year in Toronto. He was attending with some friends and I just happened to bump into him. Very nice in person and just as hunky.

And thanks Tamayn. I'm going to keep doing the acting thing, but for now I need to focus in on the PT thing to get it going and make it my primary income source. We'll see what comes.