So, it has been a while since I have updated this thing and all of you. I've been sorting things out, a lot of things, and trying to work and do acting stuff at the same time. This summer has been a roller coaster but a good one. One for the record books.
As you all know I've been spending the past two months figuring out my life. I want to back track a little before I tell you what has been happening, because I've begun to understand where this started, well where the roller coaster ride began. But first, here's a little eye candy.
There. That's a bit better. Sorry. I haven't posted anything like that in a while. Those are all from my Tumblr of the same name, if you were wondering. I'm a lot more... prolific on there, shall we say, and a lot dirtier. Yeah, it's fun. Sorta like my brain on the internet. Oh and the third one from the top, I met him this summer, yeah.
Anyhow. This whole change/roller coaster ride really stems from this gig I had, well sort of had, this summer and the one, two, three punch I lived.
You see I was supposed to do a show this summer up north in Muskoka. It was a musical and a fun one. I posted about it here. Well about a month before I was supposed to move up there the gig fell through. The company told me they didn't have enough money for a full season so they shortened it from nine weeks to six and cut the big show; mine. Shitty. Really shitty. I was asked if I wanted to stay in the company, do the kid's show and be a tech on the other two they had scheduled. I politely declined and decided to stay in the city. Hit number one.
But here's the thing. I had to ask work, or former work now, to keep me on while I had told them I was going to leave for over two months. They had hired people to replace me by then and I was NOT looking forward to serving there through the summer months, the most brutal by far. I was a server again, not an actor looking forward to a new gig. Reality and depression set in. I hated work even more and cared less about what they thought. Hence them asking me to resign. Luckily they still loved me as a person and were kind enough to lay me off instead. Hit number two.
This is where it gets wonky. I had two weeks off before I went on vacation. I was really looking forward to going home. Home where everything is so much simpler; where I can live in comfort with my folks and have access to a car whenever I want; where I don't have to worry about food or bills or doing laundry (terrible I know, but I did do most of it myself anyway); where I have a hot guy who seems to be interested in me; where I have old friends and lots of family who love me; and where the weather isn't so brutal. I threw myself into the vacation and this guy not looking back and just praying, knowing that everything would work out. Well... the vacation part was fantastic, had a great time seeing my family and catching up with old friends. I don't think I've had better conversations with more people than I did those ten days. What didn't work out was the guy, as I have mentioned. He's a friend, and perhaps a good one, but nothing more. It was heart wrenching. Hit number three.
No gig, no job, no guy. I was fucked up. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going or what was up from down anymore. I was lost. I honestly still am, sometimes more than a little. I'm still questioning the point of all the struggle and scramble. For very little reward... these days. But I have break-throughs in acting class and enormous fulfilling moments in voice and speech class. I feel grounded and left of centre at the same time. My emotional river is much more present these days. And I sit in it sometimes and think about that guy I liked back home and think about my life and this career I've chosen and wonder where I am going on this crazy path and if I'll ever feel secure. And I know that my problems are fairly small when compared with others struggles'. I have nothing to complain about when it comes down to brass tacks. Nothing at all. And I am very grateful for what I have. Very. But let me put it this way; One can only struggle for so long while those around them flourish before they wonder when they will get a chance and/or what's wrong with them and/or why they're on this merry-go-round to begin with. And mixed in with the big right hook, left hook and upper cut I also found out I have a muscular problem with my speaking and singing voice which needs therapy and rehabilitation, I landed two commercials, one national and one US regional, I cracked a tooth and found out I need a root canal and crown, and throughout the summer I've managed to lose about 15 pounds and become the lightest and fittest I've ever been in my adult life. Like I said, roller coaster.
But out of the hot gooey, emotional mess that is my life right now, I've made decisions that I am happy with. I'm getting out of serving and customer service. I decided that when I left former work. No more of that mess. But I knew I needed to find something else to keep me afloat. Something I will enjoy and that's flexible but something I can control and mold and shape. As much as I wanted to leap into acting, there was nothing to leap to and no money to be found with said leap. And as much as I would love to live without money, it helps you with things like food and bills and laundry and security.
This has gotten long, here's a little more love to give you a break.
So, I'm not sure how to do this without it sounding like an announcement or cheesy, but I'm becoming a fitness professional; A Personal Trainer. Yeah, I know, but I like it. I really like it. I like that it's helping people, teaching them and teaching me, how to live a healthier, happier life. I like that it's flexible and I'm the one who holds the schedule. And I love exercise. I mean, I spent the past four days learning about exercise, and I LOVED it. We played with just a few awesome crazy pieces of equipment (or toys) to train people with today, on the last day of my course, and I FUCKING LOVED IT. I can't wait to do more! I could go on and on but I'll save it for a later post.
For the first time in about three months I feel okay. Not great. But okay. It's going to be a bit rocky for the next little while, but I'll be okay.
The ride continues...