Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Finger Paints

Restless.

I have been feeling restless a lot lately. I know it is related to not really working that much, and being a bum and not really pushing myself to do anything, ie-look for more training work/work on acting shit. But I am also lacking a creative output in my life right now. And I always get really restless when I don't have one. I search for one, constantly. And I sometimes find it difficult to nail down exactly what I want to do.

I used to do all kinds of creative things when I was younger; I wrote poetry, I painted, I played music, I made pottery, I took pictures, I acted in plays, I wrote plays, I wrote music and improvised radio shows, I designed shit (made the best sofa forts), I did improv and drew pictures and I rearranged and decorated my room/apartment. I did so much creative stuff I ran out of time to do normal stuff. In high school I graduated with three extra credits because I couldn't get my creative fix with the normal amount of classes, so I did more outside of regular class time. Plus I took drama classes with youth theatre schools in the city. Seriously! I flunked chemistry, but danmit, I had two extra art credits and a business credit (we made and then sold a product each year; creative) because I was so driven to make art. As of right now, I don't do anything beyond auditions and some designing of fitness programs. Maybe a bit of rearranging of furniture and some imaginary designing in my head. Nothing else. It is sad when I think about it.
I have no outlets anymore. I haven't sung a complete song in months. I'm scared to because I have this problem when I sing. I use my voice improperly and I'm scared, no, terrified to do anything to hurt it. I've already done something to my hearing, I couldn't deal with seriously hurting my voice. My voice! My instrument. I have been focusing on film because you don't have to project in film.

God I am whining!! And I hate whining. You take the hand you're dealt with and make it amazing! Embarrassed that I am I need to go through this idiotic phase to get out the other side and be functional and productive and to give myself the kick in the ass I desperately need because I sound like a baby. Work on it and get it back. You can. But I am still irritatingly despondent in some ways. I feel like my creative side has been so neglected that it's pissed off at me for neglecting it for so long. So not unlike the rebellious teenager, it's not talking to me, dressing in studded leather jackets, wearing black eye make-up and padlocking the door on me with a big keep out sign swinging in my face. I'm left outside with the only inspiration being the bad black and glittery paint job of the door and the elementary school finger paints left on the fridge. They're lovely, but a little... naive, shall we say.

Blech.

Part of my problem is I had so much more influence on what I did and when I did it in the past. I painted when I wanted, wrote when I wanted and acted mostly when I wanted. Now, I depend on two people that don't really know me to ask dozens of other people if I can come and act in front of them, when I do, they then ask the people they work for if they think I should act or not. It's mind numbingly frustrating. That is why I tried to create a show that I wrote and produced and starred in. Which, subsequently fell apart in my hands. Word of advice: Before you get into bed with people, learn whether they're crazy or not beforehand. It helps.
There's also that money part that somewhat interferes with the creativity thing. You need it to live and it don't grow on trees as much as we all wish it would. Unless you're in pulp and paper.

So there we are. I am frustrated as hell. So what do I do? Cause it is my life after all. I think it is time to get out the bolt cutters, bust in and clean that mutherfukin room out!

Or rearrange the furniture.

Whatever.

4 comments:

Buddy Bear said...

Wow! You've expressed yourself in a very honest, soul-baring way. There's no advice I could possibly offer but I'm sure that it was helpful to you (in some way) to put your feelings down in writing.

Good luck!

Sexy Beast said...

That it was. Still a bit listless, but I feel I know where I'm going and know what I have to do.

Funny that you say soul-baring and exposed. I feel that you do that just as much on your blog, as I have, just with different parts of your life. You do and talk about things I wouldn't on my blog.

It's just a matter of perspective and comfort, I suppose.

Buddy Bear said...

I do try to blog as honestly as I possibly can and in 'real time', as events unfold. Sometimes, my actions open me up to criticism when I blog about them.

But I can only do this because I'm anonymous and faceless on my blog. As a high school teacher in a smallish city and father of three, I could never blog as explicitly I do if my face and name were revealed.

You're the courageous one!

Knoxxy said...

I hope you find your inspiration soon.