Friday, March 15, 2013

Stupidity

Tonight I was in a bike accident. I'm fine. It was me being stupid. But thank goodness for small miracles.

I had just finished watching the latest show in my subscription to a local theatre's season. A beautiful show about how a production of Chekhov's Three Sisters triggers a man to have a mid life crisis and what he notices about life and how it changes him. It was quite intense, beautifully done in set and costume and the lead was incredible. A full roller coaster ride of emotions pouring out of him throughout the show. It was one act, almost two hours in length, so it forced you to deal with all that was going on without a break. Intense. Parts of it struck me and made me think about my own life. I will have to read the Three Sisters. I know, I'm in theatre and I haven't read it? Believe me, after tonight, I will read it.

Afterward, as I was making my way out of my seat, I noticed two people I thought I recognized ahead of me. I called out the names I thought they might belong to and voila! My old theatre professor and director, husband and wife. It was surprising because they live across the country. We talked and caught up, my old director has a show she's written and is directing being performed in town, hence why they're here. They're both retired now, and they decided to leave the university and go on tour with the show for three years. Life in the theatre. They encouraged me in continuing to per sue my art. I vowed to do my best to see the show and to keep in touch. It was wonderful to run into them. They're what I would love to be in my life.

I waited with my friend who shares the subscription outside the theatre for her cab to arrive and whisk her to home and her bed. After they pulled away I hopped on my bike and drove down the street the theatre was on to the major street nearby. I was coming down and then up a small hill behind a line of vehicles waiting to make right hand turns at the next major intersection. I thought I could slip by before the one in front made it's turn, all the while ringing my blasted, half broken bell. I didn't. The 1/4 ton truck ahead of me moved a little too soon and my front wheel got caught in it's front wheel well and over I went, my bike following me into the middle of traffic at 10:15pm on the Ides of March. As I flew forward my first thought was, well I'm not going fast enough to seriously hurt myself so what am I going to scrape up? My second thought was, man that was stupid and why aren't you wearing your helmet? Third thought, get up you idiot and get out of traffic and see if everything is okay. Driver is shaken up. Bike seat is bent. Passenger is pissed at me. Other driver behind the first asks if everything is okay then patronizes me. I explain that I'm fine and it was partly my own stupidity. One of my gear shifts' casings is broken but the shift itself is working. I have a scrape on my knee which I can feel through my jeans. And I end up having to comfort the shaken up driver in the end as she gives me $50 for my bike seat. I manage to survive with a scrape and a shaken sense of self. And my bike lights weren't even on. Stupidity.

I biked home on my half bent bike seat feeling guilty for taking her money and wondering what message the universe is sending me. I tried talking to my roommate about it, but I'm too emotional right now so I frightened her back into her room. So I sit here and type this out pondering my life and it's choices, the message of the play I saw tonight, and how I felt running into my old professor and director while the adrenaline from the accident drains out of me.

I want to write a missed connections ad telling the driver that I'm giving the money to charity because I can't take money for stupidity. Stupidity doesn't deserves a reward.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Boystown

So I was in this short a little while ago called Gaysian about the struggles of an Asian man in the gay dating scene. I was White Guy #2, yeah, awesome right! It's not quite finished yet. They're still working on the editing and music. It's still in post, as we say in the biz.  BUT the director Austin Wong, is looking to turn the short into a web series called Boystown!



Pretty fun. And you can see yours truly making a very gay eye roll in the trailer above.

So if you feel inclined, check out and like the Facebook Page and share the trailer. It is up for some funding and part of the qualifications for said funding is social media traffic. So watch it, blog it, tweet it, talk about it! The bigger the audience, the better the chances of it getting the funding.

Thanks, guys!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Finger Paints

Restless.

I have been feeling restless a lot lately. I know it is related to not really working that much, and being a bum and not really pushing myself to do anything, ie-look for more training work/work on acting shit. But I am also lacking a creative output in my life right now. And I always get really restless when I don't have one. I search for one, constantly. And I sometimes find it difficult to nail down exactly what I want to do.

I used to do all kinds of creative things when I was younger; I wrote poetry, I painted, I played music, I made pottery, I took pictures, I acted in plays, I wrote plays, I wrote music and improvised radio shows, I designed shit (made the best sofa forts), I did improv and drew pictures and I rearranged and decorated my room/apartment. I did so much creative stuff I ran out of time to do normal stuff. In high school I graduated with three extra credits because I couldn't get my creative fix with the normal amount of classes, so I did more outside of regular class time. Plus I took drama classes with youth theatre schools in the city. Seriously! I flunked chemistry, but danmit, I had two extra art credits and a business credit (we made and then sold a product each year; creative) because I was so driven to make art. As of right now, I don't do anything beyond auditions and some designing of fitness programs. Maybe a bit of rearranging of furniture and some imaginary designing in my head. Nothing else. It is sad when I think about it.
I have no outlets anymore. I haven't sung a complete song in months. I'm scared to because I have this problem when I sing. I use my voice improperly and I'm scared, no, terrified to do anything to hurt it. I've already done something to my hearing, I couldn't deal with seriously hurting my voice. My voice! My instrument. I have been focusing on film because you don't have to project in film.

God I am whining!! And I hate whining. You take the hand you're dealt with and make it amazing! Embarrassed that I am I need to go through this idiotic phase to get out the other side and be functional and productive and to give myself the kick in the ass I desperately need because I sound like a baby. Work on it and get it back. You can. But I am still irritatingly despondent in some ways. I feel like my creative side has been so neglected that it's pissed off at me for neglecting it for so long. So not unlike the rebellious teenager, it's not talking to me, dressing in studded leather jackets, wearing black eye make-up and padlocking the door on me with a big keep out sign swinging in my face. I'm left outside with the only inspiration being the bad black and glittery paint job of the door and the elementary school finger paints left on the fridge. They're lovely, but a little... naive, shall we say.

Blech.

Part of my problem is I had so much more influence on what I did and when I did it in the past. I painted when I wanted, wrote when I wanted and acted mostly when I wanted. Now, I depend on two people that don't really know me to ask dozens of other people if I can come and act in front of them, when I do, they then ask the people they work for if they think I should act or not. It's mind numbingly frustrating. That is why I tried to create a show that I wrote and produced and starred in. Which, subsequently fell apart in my hands. Word of advice: Before you get into bed with people, learn whether they're crazy or not beforehand. It helps.
There's also that money part that somewhat interferes with the creativity thing. You need it to live and it don't grow on trees as much as we all wish it would. Unless you're in pulp and paper.

So there we are. I am frustrated as hell. So what do I do? Cause it is my life after all. I think it is time to get out the bolt cutters, bust in and clean that mutherfukin room out!

Or rearrange the furniture.

Whatever.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

My Community

I was out last night at a 'party' that happens once a month at a bar not that far from my house. It's a queer party with a hip hop soundtrack. The venue is a nice size and pretty decent in terms of service and atmosphere. The crowd is mixed in all sorts of ways, but generally skews younger. I was having a somewhat shitty time having spilled half my first drink on myself due to someone else's elbow and as I wasn't really drunk enough to ignore the continual traffic passing through where my friends and I were situated, kept getting annoyed and frustrated by the constant maneuvering. The place was packed and bumpin', as they say. I also don't really enjoy hip hop unless it's very mainstream (i.e. pop). You may ask why I was there? Well, generally when I'm surrounded by cute boys, none of this really matters. But for some reason I couldn't let the miffed expression dissolve from my face and relax... until near the end of my stay.

After some travels throughout the night around the club and the dance floor, I sat down on the bench seating near where my gaggle of people were writhing in dance. I had had quite a bit more to drink and was somewhat enjoying myself but was still frustrated by the traffic flow and my inability to relax. I sat and looked around and it hit me. This is my community. I am a part of this crazy hip hop loving crowd as much as they are a part of my acting, training, fantasy loving, video game playing, sailing, cycling, east coast, indie folk rock loving life. My community is so varied and diverse there are no words to express it. So I, always up for a challenge, sat there composing a poem in my head about the diversity and similarities that are expressed in the community and I was warmed. I was so proud of us and how far we have come and how far we will go and how beautiful we are. We stretch the globe. No matter where I go, I have a community.

I'm not going to get political because for me that wasn't what this moment was about. I looked around and I couldn't help but smile at the gathering of beautiful people that made up my queer community. It was fantastic and ridiculous and awesome.

I may try to reconstruct the poem I half wrote in my head later on, but for now I wanted to acknowledge the moment as I sat on that banquette, sweaty and grinning at the crazy crowd dancing to the beats of Beyonce and Azelia Banks.

We left soon afterward, getting a ride from a friend. And on the way home the driver, a Sikh Canadian, DJ, producer and educator, played us his remix of "Brother Can You Spare A Dime" that was on an episode of the Golden Girls.

It was awesome.

Man, I love my community.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Posted. Man I am posted...

Alright blog, it has been a while. I don't remember where I left off but I can say that things have changed since that time. I'm still here. Kinda. I'm still doing some stuff that I was doing when I last wrote here, but some things have changed. And I'm glad of that, cause it would be rather bland if they hadn't.

I mean I have, like over a hundred followers, who are mostly here for pictures of barely clothed men, but they're still here. Here, for you.

Isn't he cute!
If you like him, go to my tumblr. It's where I've been spending most of my time. Be warned, it's dirty. But no one really writes on Tumblr. It's far too visual to allow more than a paragraph. That would detract from all the pretty pictures. I was craving a good written purge and decided I should come back. So back to business.

I've been adrift for a little bit, working here and there, doing this and that, haven't had a solid job in about six months. It feels odd sometimes, but all of my old body issues related to serving are slowly working themselves out. That's really nice. But I still feel adrift. I don't have a schedule. I mean I work little customer service gigs here and there, and I get acting work occasionally, and I'm now training some people but it's not enough to make up anything regular. So I drift...
I've been thinking I need to get a home base for the training, it would make things a bit easier, have people come to me and allow me to "go to work" per se. I have yet to find such a place though, I need to do some investigating. Mark that on my to do list.
I have also thought about getting a modeling agent. I have this body now that would allow me to do some of that stuff, and make a little money while I'm at it. I think it could be fun.
I just got some headshots done, yesterday in fact (big week this week). It's something I haven't done in years, and it was time. A bit of a new start with the new body, and relatively new agents, and being single. It was time to show the casting agents what I look like now and what I can do now. Much different from what I was capable of in my old headshots.

I feel like I'm rambling. Much has happened and I feel the need to get it out.

What else... I'm submitting myself for more auditions. Including lots more theatre and student films. I haven't done anything significant in a couple years so I really need the practice. Doing play readings in friends homes, acting class and commercials don't really count. I need a play or a film where I have more than three lines. Hell more than TEN lines! I need to stretch and make the muscle do a marathon when it's only been sprinting. I'm starting to think that's all I can do and that ain't good. I want to do something big. More like need to. Mark that on the to do list as well.

I also had something come to an end this week. Which sucked, but it was for the best.

Life is funny. You set out to create something thinking that it's going to be amazing and nothing is going to stand in your way, everything will come together like magic. But in the end it looks like you used a half rate glue gun to stick the ass end of a horse to the front end of a duck while signing the national anthem, and you don't even know sign language. Well it starts out great, you're so enthusiastic and everyone feeds off your energy. Then something small happens and you notice it and think nothing of it, but remember it when something bigger happens and that triggers something else which makes the second thing look like the first in size and it all goes awry from there. It happens, and it can be shitty, but when the alternative is even shittier, you understand that letting it fall apart is the better thing. And life goes on. More projects with the lessons learned from the last one.

Here, another one for you guys who have stuck around to read my ramblings.

Adorable.

Ah but there is a big thing missing from this life of mine and that is the L word. Yes, Lesbians. I need to fall in Lesbians. You think they know any good trust exercises? But seriously, I dated a guy for six years! I have been without lurve for almost two years now, and man, that shit is addictive! I miss that shit. I mean look at that guy above, you know he would bring you chocolates and act like a goof with that stuffed monkey and love cuddling in bed before you fall asleep in each others arms... sigh. Yeah being single has it's perks, but man, love... that is where it's at. And I know I'm saying that because I'm single, cause there are all kinds of things that come with that L word that you forget when you are in the throws of a new romance. As you should, cause the beginning of a relationship is awesome and crazy and hot. But for now, I miss it. I know I'm going to find it again, but right now, I wouldn't mind a little cuddling before bed.

And with that, I am updated. I will bid you all adieu. For now. I should be back here with a little more regularity. But I promise nothing.

Xoxo

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Lessons and Training

So, it has been a while since I have updated this thing and all of you. I've been sorting things out, a lot of things, and trying to work and do acting stuff at the same time. This summer has been a roller coaster but a good one. One for the record books.

As you all know I've been spending the past two months figuring out my life. I want to back track a little before I tell you what has been happening, because I've begun to understand where this started, well where the roller coaster ride began. But first, here's a little eye candy.







There. That's a bit better. Sorry. I haven't posted anything like that in a while. Those are all from my Tumblr of the same name, if you were wondering. I'm a lot more... prolific on there, shall we say, and a lot dirtier. Yeah, it's fun. Sorta like my brain on the internet. Oh and the third one from the top, I met him this summer, yeah.

Anyhow. This whole change/roller coaster ride really stems from this gig I had, well sort of had, this summer and the one, two, three punch I lived.

You see I was supposed to do a show this summer up north in Muskoka. It was a musical and a fun one. I posted about it here. Well about a month before I was supposed to move up there the gig fell through. The company told me they didn't have enough money for a full season so they shortened it from nine weeks to six and cut the big show; mine. Shitty. Really shitty. I was asked if I wanted to stay in the company, do the kid's show and be a tech on the other two they had scheduled. I politely declined and decided to stay in the city. Hit number one.
But here's the thing. I had to ask work, or former work now, to keep me on while I had told them I was going to leave for over two months. They had hired people to replace me by then and I was NOT looking forward to serving there through the summer months, the most brutal by far. I was a server again, not an actor looking forward to a new gig. Reality and depression set in. I hated work even more and cared less about what they thought. Hence them asking me to resign. Luckily they still loved me as a person and were kind enough to lay me off instead. Hit number two.
This is where it gets wonky. I had two weeks off before I went on vacation. I was really looking forward to going home. Home where everything is so much simpler; where I can live in comfort with my folks and have access to a car whenever I want; where I don't have to worry about food or bills or doing laundry (terrible I know, but I did do most of it myself anyway); where I have a hot guy who seems to be interested in me; where I have old friends and lots of family who love me; and where the weather isn't so brutal. I threw myself into the vacation and this guy not looking back and just praying, knowing that everything would work out. Well... the vacation part was fantastic, had a great time seeing my family and catching up with old friends. I don't think I've had better conversations with more people than I did those ten days. What didn't work out was the guy, as I have mentioned. He's a friend, and perhaps a good one, but nothing more. It was heart wrenching. Hit number three.

No gig, no job, no guy. I was fucked up. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going or what was up from down anymore. I was lost. I honestly still am, sometimes more than a little. I'm still questioning the point of all the struggle and scramble. For very little reward... these days. But I have break-throughs in acting class and enormous fulfilling moments in voice and speech class. I feel grounded and left of centre at the same time. My emotional river is much more present these days. And I sit in it sometimes and think about that guy I liked back home and think about my life and this career I've chosen and wonder where I am going on this crazy path and if I'll ever feel secure. And I know that my problems are fairly small when compared with others struggles'. I have nothing to complain about when it comes down to brass tacks. Nothing at all. And I am very grateful for what I have. Very. But let me put it this way; One can only struggle for so long while those around them flourish before they wonder when they will get a chance and/or what's wrong with them and/or why they're on this merry-go-round to begin with. And mixed in with the big right hook, left hook and upper cut I also found out I have a muscular problem with my speaking and singing voice which needs therapy and rehabilitation, I landed two commercials, one national and one US regional, I cracked a tooth and found out I need a root canal and crown, and throughout the summer I've managed to lose about 15 pounds and become the lightest and fittest I've ever been in my adult life. Like I said, roller coaster.

But out of the hot gooey, emotional mess that is my life right now, I've made decisions that I am happy with. I'm getting out of serving and customer service. I decided that when I left former work. No more of that mess. But I knew I needed to find something else to keep me afloat. Something I will enjoy and that's flexible but something I can control and mold and shape. As much as I wanted to leap into acting, there was nothing to leap to and no money to be found with said leap. And as much as I would love to live without money, it helps you with things like food and bills and laundry and security.

This has gotten long, here's a little more love to give you a break.


 



Ahh, better.

So, I'm not sure how to do this without it sounding like an announcement or cheesy, but I'm becoming a fitness professional; A Personal Trainer. Yeah, I know, but I like it. I really like it. I like that it's helping people, teaching them and teaching me, how to live a healthier, happier life. I like that it's flexible and I'm the one who holds the schedule. And I love exercise. I mean, I spent the past four days learning about exercise, and I LOVED it. We played with just a few awesome crazy pieces of equipment (or toys) to train people with today, on the last day of my course, and I FUCKING LOVED IT. I can't wait to do more! I could go on and on but I'll save it for a later post.

For the first time in about three months I feel okay. Not great. But okay. It's going to be a bit rocky for the next little while, but I'll be okay.


The ride continues...

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Vacation and Return to Reality

So I've been away for a while, back home in NS. It was fantastic, to the point that I didn't want to come back to the reality of life in Toronto. But I'll get into that in a moment. First an update to what was mentioned in the previous post.

Work did lay me off, which was great, and I have applied for EI. The reason I did this is because I was thinking of taking a program through a college here in the city which is funded through EI and you would have to be on or have been on EI recently to be eligible for it. That plan has been scrapped. I went to the first meeting the other day and realized it is not what I want to be doing for the next ten months. Really great program, but not for me. At least not now.
I have a few other ideas in terms of what to do for money, but for now they will be kept under my hat while I sort them out.
The background agent has been getting me work, a few gigs so far, and they're okay. I mean, it's a lot of hurry up and wait but it pays well and I have time to learn lines while I sit. I have realized I don't want to be doing this for much longer though. It can be soul sucking if you're not careful, especially for someone who wants to actually have lines and be the focus of the camera.
I also came back to a serving job, which is alright, not ideal, but like I said, when you need money... The place is casual and not high end fine dining, which is nice, but it's not at all what I want to be doing and it looks like it's going to be far too hectic in the near future. Yikes! Every shift I have this overwhelming urge to escape before it's too late.

The vacation was wonderful! Just what I needed. I caught up with friends and family, lounged on the beach and did all the great things you get to do while on vacation. Plus made some new friends. I felt loved and whole and not weird and separated like I can in this city. I miss my family. I don't have much family up here and the ones I do have are not close. I didn't want to leave. And when I got back to TO I wondered (for the first time ever!) what I was doing here. Now I know I was coming back to unemployment, and that can affect my perspective greatly, but it shook me a little. I've never questioned the acting thing. Never. And here I am going 'what am I doing here?' Wait, WHAT?!?!? I'm still thinking about it all. It's a lot to take in.
Here's another wrench in the cogs for you too. I have been friends with a guy back home for about seven months now, I met him over Christmas, and I like him. A lot. He's said we live in different cities thousands of kilometers apart. I concur, my heart does not. And over the last seven months we have been corresponding, and my first night back home we had great sparks! And then it just sorta fizzled... I got a lot of hot and cold signals from him and then nothing. And that fucked me up. Big time. More than I expected. Still am fucked up. I'm trying my darnedest to work through it, but as you all know, it's hard when you open yourself up to something like that. Life goes on I guess.

Right now, I'm in the midst of figuring out my next step. I got the whole EI program sorted, which is good, sad that it didn't work out, but at least it's sorted. And I'm waiting to have a couple meetings about my other ideas in the next couple of days. Big life changes are difficult, but they need to happen if you're going to grow and grow I must.


The adventure continues...